Sacrifices

I've been learning new things as a mom. I can swaddle a baby like no one's business. It's easiest for me at night to make the bottles ahead of time so that getting up for feedings in the middle of the night is a lot less effort. I know to sleep whenever possible because you don't really know when you'll get the opportunity to take a nap. I know that being a mom is a full-time job. I also know that so far, I've had to make a lot of sacrifices. I know that I'll have to make even more as Sophie gets older.

Sacrifice number one: my body. I know that I didn't have the greatest body to begin with, but that fact seems to be even more obvious now that my pregnancy is over. I have a lot of weight left to lose, my stomach is riddled with stretchmarks, my breasts look ridiculous, and now none of my clothes really fit right. I used to wear makeup everyday - now I wear it maybe twice a month. I even had to cut my long hair so Sophie wouldn't be able to pull it as easily, but now I can see that I didn't cut it short enough because her little fingers still find themselves tangled in my hair. My breasts belong to the baby. They leak constantly because I continue to pump, but can't seem to find enough time in the day or will to do so regularly. :/

The biggest sacrifice so far has been my sanity. I was definitely not mentally prepared for Sophie's arrival, and I still find myself questioning whether or not I'm fit to be a mother. Sometimes all of the crying and the lack of sleep really gets to me and all I want to do is cry. I have, actually. The other day that Sophie was up every hour or two to eat, I just lost it. The night before I had hardly gotten any sleep, and I hadn't found the time to take a nap. After she finally fell asleep, I just sat there and held her, crying. Maybe it's my hormones, but I don't know what else to do.

My clothes don't fit. Or they don't fit right. They're spit-up stained and stretched out. I don't feel like Mesja. I don't look like her. I think that's my biggest downfall lately. I don't feel myself. And maybe who I am is supposed to change, and that's why I'm having such a problem. But I don't feel beautiful, or attractive like I used to. And that's really hard for me. Maybe I'm being selfish.

My purse and the diaper bag have become one. I always wanted to have a really nice purse. But that's not likely. I don't see the point in lugging around two bags and a baby. It's just too much. Combining the two makes me feel like I'm losing my identity as Mesja and should be identified with Mommy.

I sacrificed something that was really important to me, and it was really difficult for me to let go. Going to school is such a big deal, and I just couldn't do it, knowing that finals were only a few weeks before my due date. I did enroll, and then dropped all my classes at the end of the week. It was so embarrassing walking around campus, being the only person who was pregnant. Everyone just stared at me, and one of my teachers even told me she didn't really know what I was doing going to school at that point. I don't know when I'll be able to go back. But I know that I won't be going back to USF, and I'm quite sure that my major will change at some point.

I had to go on maternity leave a month early - doctor's orders. And I'm on paid maternity leave, but it really bothered me for the first two weeks. I'm a need-to-be-busy kind of person. Now I am so tired that I don't really feel like doing anything for once. I just miss work. I know that sounds lame, but in the beginning, I had a shot at being promoted. Once I got pregnant, I became less able to do the things I was supposed to do as time went on. I obviously can't be promoted if I can't even do my current job without help. Hell, I couldn't even tie my own shoe. I can't tell you the number of times a co-worker of mine tied my shoe. Talk about humiliating from the person who hates to ask for help.

Up until the baby, I have probably thought about my dream wedding once a day since I was old enough to understand what a wedding was. It was always about something different, but little else excited me about growing up more than the prospect of getting married. I didn't want something extravagant with a designer dress and a huge guest list. I didn't need a reception in a huge ballroom at a hotel with an open bar, or two foot centerpieces, or ten bridesmaids. I wanted something simple and romantic, no more than a hundred guests... I wanted something that I could plan myself, something that I could do a lot of myself... I'm not going to get that. Justin and I recently sat down and talked about our wedding plans. We decided that we wanted to have a small intimate ceremony - just immediate family. We'll go out to dinner afterward, and then go on a honeymoon. I feel bad leaving Sophie, but we need this vacation, and I know she'll be in great hands with her grandparents watching her. When we come back, we'll have a barbecue to celebrate with everyone. It sounds very simple, but it's really what we want. We don't want to spend thousands of dollars just to make other people happy. I know some people may be offended or hurt, but a big wedding just isn't something we can afford, and it is OUR wedding. I want it to be a true reflection of who we are as a couple.

I have to retract my statement when I say that my sanity has been the biggest sacrifice. Having this baby has placed an incredible strain on my relationship with Justin. This will probably sound horrible, but we've never really had to work at it so much just to get things to work everyday. It's not a struggle, but it's definitely more difficult. It probably has a lot to do with the stress of a new baby and everything else I'm facing right now, but I feel myself more easily agitated with him. It's not fair and I feel horrible. I just want to curl up with him at the end of the day and tell him I love him; then he would brush my hair behind my ear and kiss my forehead and tell me that everything will be okay, and that he loves me. But that doesn't really happen either. With all the time that he spends at work (eight hour shifts with one hour for lunch and two hours of travel) and the time spent sleeping, there are just a few hours in the day left for anything else, and it's usually spent doing baby related things (washing bottles, feeding/changing the baby). The fact that he seems to get easily frustrated at night with her crying makes me upset, but then I realize that he's probably just as tired as I am with working and whatever else he ends up doing. He's getting more patient, and even gets up with her at night on days that he's off so I can sleep. It's just with how little I see him, I feel lonely. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I talk to the baby, but she doesn't talk back, and she sleeps a lot. I love Justin, and I'm sorry that things are difficult because I wish they weren't. I didn't think that things would be so hard, but I'm sure they'll get easier as time goes on.

With all that I've sacrificed so far, it's hard to feel like this is all worth it. It's hard - some days are really good, and easy, but some are so trying and difficult that at the end of the day, I just want to go back to life before it was the three of us. And I feel like I deserve something for all that I've done and given up so far. Something more than just a baby. Maybe I feel like I deserve more than the title "Mom". And for saying that, I feel both selfish and guilty. Sophie is so sweet. She's my beautiful, wonderful baby girl, and I love her more than anything. I am lucky just to be her mother. I just wish I realized that every time I felt that way.