The beginning...

Disclaimer: All quotations are not exact and some details may be a little off - when you're in labor or on some kind of anesthetic, it's hard to remember everything exactly the way it happened.

Wednesday, December 29th had arrived and I was sorely disappointed. One day past my due date and I was ready to pay a visit to everyone who told me I would "be early", and punch them in the jaw. "She'll come when she's ready," others said. Who knows when that is? I was more than ready - I'd been ready for over a month. The clothes were washed, folded and put away, the crib was made up, the bottles were sterilized and sitting in the cabinet, the car seat was installed, the diaper bag and hospital bags were packed, and her swing and bouncer sat in the den, all waiting for her. As I sat there that night, I started to feel really uncomfortable. I even decided to take a bath, just to help relax. It didn't seem to help. As I crawled into bed, I thought, Please please please. I just want to have this baby already.

The next morning a 5am when I woke up to use the bathroom, I felt a tightening pain in my uterus. I looked down and smiled. I sat on the couch and for over an hour I counted and timed my contractions. The time is finally here! I was excited but knew I had to stay calm. I called my doctor, who sent me to the hospital to be checked out. I woke up Justin. "I think it might be time," I announced, "to go to the hospital." Sleepily, he dressed and we grabbed a few last minute items before we headed out the door. On the way there, I hoped that it would be true labor, and I wouldn't be sent home.

After I was checked into triage, they placed two monitors across my belly - one to monitor the baby's heart beat, and the other to measure contractions. After about 20 minutes, the nurse came in. "I want to feel your belly when you're having a contraction. Let me know when the next one starts." A few minutes passed before I had another contraction, and she pressed down firmly on my belly. "You're having very mild contractions and you're only one centimeter dilated. I'll call your doctor, but at this point, I think it's early labor. He might want to augment it." I looked at Justin uneasily - I had really wanted to have a natural birth with no epidural, despite my doctor telling me only a few weeks before that my pelvis was too small and I would most likely need a c-section. Another half hour later, and I was discharged. "Come back when your contractions feel stronger and are more consistent," she said.

I was a little disappointed, but the only thing I was really feeling was nausea. A huge wave of it came over me and I felt worse than I did when I had morning sickness. I asked if there was anything I could have, and they gave me some ginger ale. On the way home, I asked Justin to pull over. I didn't throw up, but I really thought I was going to. When we got home, I was so uncomfortable and so tired, so I tried to get some rest on the couch. I emptied the bathroom garbage can and set it next to the couch, just in case I needed it. And boy did I need it. I slept for about 45 minutes before I woke up to throw up. Afterward, I felt a little better, so I decided to try to eat something light so I would have a little energy, maybe to do some walking. I had a small amount of applesauce and decided I was ready to try and walk this baby out. After walking around the apartment complex, I was tired again. I decided to try to nap again, only to wake up another hour later to throw up yet again. I figured if anything, I can at least keep down water, and staying hydrated is important for the baby. Guess again - I threw up yet again. Concerned, I called my mother. The contractions had gone from mild to moderate, and going from every four to five minutes to every three to four. She suggested I call my doctor at his office. He had me come in. "You're still only one centimeter dilated," he said. I told him about my trouble with keeping anything down. He sent me to the hospital to be monitored and have 1 liter of IV fluids.

As it turns out, I was so dehydrated that they gave me 4 liters of fluids. At the hospital, I threw up a fourth time, dry heaving because there really wasn't anything left in my stomach. I was miserable. I hadn't eaten, I hadn't slept, and even with my contractions, my labor wasn't really progressing. I let the nurse know that I was open to the idea of augmenting my labor, and she let the doctor know right away. "We're going to keep you tonight and start the Pitocin tomorrow morning." I felt so relieved - I was finally going to meet the little person I had been growing for almost 10 months. I was moved to Labor and Delivery, and was told to try and get some rest. Justin spread out in the recliner/pull out bed, and attempted to do the same. Sleeping was difficult - the baby kept moving away from the monitor, and I kept having to get up to use the bathroom, which is difficult when you're hooked up to an IV and monitors.

Shortly after 5am, they started the Pitocin. I finally fell asleep for an hour or so, and when I woke up, HELLO! Pitocin, or oxytocin, induces labor, but it also makes contractions longer, stronger, and more painful. They were tolerable for a little while. After they checked my dilation, which was at two, I was in pain. To help things keep moving along, the doctor came in and broke my water. The pain just got worse. My mother reminded me that it was okay to ask for pain relief. They gave me something through the IV. "This will make you sleepy," they told me. Within minutes, I was out. I was asleep for about forty-five minutes before I woke up again, writhing in pain. It's funny how everything you learn in your Lamaze class goes right out the window when labor actually hits. I didn't want to breathe slow deep breaths - I wanted to scream! Squeezing Justin's hand so hard I was sure I was breaking it, I attempted slow breathing. I was in so much pain I was in tears, and finally gave in. I'd tried as hard as I could not to ask for the epidural.

"You have strong back muscles," the doctor who was administering my epidural told me. She said this because she was having a difficult time finding exactly the right place. It took her three tries and a total of twenty minutes to actually get it to work. The pain relief wasn't instant - it took about fifteen minutes before I wasn't actually feeling anything, although the pain subsiding was instant. The nurse checked me,"You're at five centimeters now. You need to get some rest now, because you'll need the energy to push," said the nurse. I fell asleep yet again.

An hour and a half later, the nurse woke me to check my dilation. "You're at ten! We can start pushing soon." I was given oxygen to help the baby. I pushed for two and half, almost three hours. It didn't really seem like that long to me, but time wasn't important. For a while, I made progress. The nurse informed me she could see her hair, and I pushed so hard so I could see for myself. I had heartburn all throughout my pregnancy and I expected her to have a full head of hair. Even though I was giving good strong pushes, the baby wasn't progressing any further. There was swelling on the top of her head. When my doctor arrived, he order an ASAP c-section due to cephalo-pelvic disproportion. The problem? I have a prominent sub-pubic arch and the baby was sunny-side up. She just wouldn't fit. I was disappointed - I pushed for so long, I dealt with labor and I told the doctor not to schedule a c-section because I was so sure I could do this on my own. While they gave Justin some scrubs to put on over his clothes and a chance to grab his camera, I was taken to the OR to be prepped.

I was so numb that I didn't feel a thing. I was shivering violently, a result of the epidural, and running a fever of 101.4. They immediately started me on some antibiotics. I heard the doctor come in and heard some sounds. In all of the stories I'd ever read about c-sections, everyone talks about feeling some pressure as the doctor is opening you up and removing the baby. I honestly had no idea they'd even started until I heard Justin say, "She's getting the blankets ready, honey." And then I heard the most beautiful sound. She cried. Thinking about it now makes me tear up, but I was definitely crying then. I was feeling so happy and so relieved. "The time?" asked the doctor. "Three thirty," answered someone in the room. I really didn't care about myself as much as I was worried about her. "He's beautiful," said the nurse who'd been taking care of me. "Wait what?!" I asked. "She IS a girl, RIGHT?" I felt confused. "Yes," she checked, "she's a girl. I'm sorry! Just checking to make sure you're alright."

That was it. Sophie was finally here. "Six pounds ten ounces," announced the nurse taking care of Sophie. "Are you ready to hold her?" "Yes," I said, and they handed her to me. I didn't know what to say. I looked at her and I was in love. When babies are born, it's not like in the movies. They aren't pink and pretty and perfect. Sophie was still covered in vernix, there was still blood on her, and she looked a little unhappy. Her hands were blue, and dry and wrinkled, and she was so much smaller than I expected. Nevertheless, she was perfect. After a few pictures, Justin went with a nurse to take Sophie to the nursery to be checked out, bathed and to let everyone know that she was born.

Everything afterward is kind of a blur. Other than a few minor complications with the c-section, everything turned out to be okay. Recovery has been slightly difficult. The first day was the hardest, but everyday gets easier. I wasn't prepared for a c-section because I didn't think I would need one. Even though I thought my doctor was being a jerk, he was actually right. For someone who has been delivering babies since 1975, I guess I should have trusted his opinion. Being a mom is the easier part of my time. It seems to come naturally. I don't always know what to do, or always do things right the first time, but loving my Sophie is the easiest thing I've ever done. The hard part is doing everything you used to do, and there are a lot of things I'm not allowed to do. I can't drive for two weeks, and I'm not supposed to leave the house unless I have to for four weeks. I'm supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible, and that's the part that kills me. I'm so used to being busy - cleaning, cooking, doing random little things. And it's driving me insane that I can't. On the other hand, I'm so tired, I can barely keep up with everything else. Right now is the first free time I've had, and I'm sacrificing a nap to get this all down before the memories become too fuzzy to recall properly.

Being a mother is weird in a way that you have no idea what you're getting yourself into until you're there. You might think you have some idea of what it will be like, but unless you've done this before, you wouldn't have a clue. And I'm sure that when the time comes for Sophie to have a brother or sister, I will be surprised all over again about how things will be. The thing I underestimated the most was the love I would feel for her. She is my precious angel and I love her more than I could really say. Don't get me wrong... I love my family, and I really love Justin. I love him so much. But the way I love Sophie... well that's different, but it's just as strong. I am trying to enjoy her the best that I can while she's young. I look forward to all the things I can teach her and do with her as she gets older. For now, all I can say is that being a mother to Sophie is going to be one of the greatest adventures of my life.