Outside my window... is a nice day. We might have to go for a walk today. :]
I am thinking... about doing some writing today.
I am thankful for... naps.
From the kitchen... freshly made blueberry scones.
I am wearing... comfy pajamas.
I am remembering... being a teenager. I miss it.
I am going... to take a shower after I finish this.
I am reading... makeup blogs. I like reading blogs.
I am hoping... that Sophie will keep sleeping so I can shave my legs. I am hearing... the Flintstones movie. There's really nothing on TV.
Pondering these words... "Youlove me more than what?"
Around the house... Sophie is sleeping in her swing, the kitchen is a mess, there's mail all over the table, and my work stuff in the rocking chair. I need to clean up.
Noticing that... Sophie is STILL asleep. I think she just went through a growth spurt.
One of my favorite things right now... is watching Sophie smile. :D
What we've done/plan to do this week... so far this week, I went through week one training. Next week is week two - branch training. I'm going to get rid of some clothes that don't fit me OR Sophie anymore this week.
Sleep... sounds nice. Even though I got more sleep than usual, I still feel really tired.
Best moment so far this week... spending time with my baby today. I feel like I've hardly seen her all week! :/ I'm looking forward to... work next week. :D
Outside my window... is a very dark sky, and the same neurotic squirrel that has been hanging around my balcony since we moved in.
I am thinking... about going back to work. I'm so excited and scared at the same time. It'll be nice to socialize with adults, but I will really miss Sophie.
I am thankful for... finally getting a new job. I feel so much less stress now that I don't have to worry about finances.
From the kitchen... Maple Braised Pork Chops with Garlic Mashed Potatoes and Steamed Peas. One of my favorites. :]
I am wearing... Sweats and my "Staying in is the new Going Out" tee.
I am remembering... how great of a day Sophie and I had today. We played on the floor and I think I heard her talk more then than I ever have. :D
I am going... to make pancakes for breakfast tomorrow!
I am reading... baby blogs. I need a new book to read.
I am hoping... this new job works out and I can enroll in school next semester.
I am hearing... Ugly Betty, Season 2. I LOVE this show. :]
Pondering these words... "Lucky parents who have fine children usually have lucky children who have fine parents."
Around the house... are a bunch of little messes that makeup one big mess. :/
Noticing that... it is almost bed time. For Mommy.
One of my favorite things right now... is looking at Sophie. Sometimes we just stare at each other. Her smile just melts my heart. :D
What we've done/plan to do this week... not a lot! Auntie Mel came over today, Justin has the weekend off, and at this moment, I honestly cannot remember what we've done so far this week.
Sleep... is getting better now that she is getting a little rice cereal in the bottle before bed and Justin and I are alternating the feedings.
Best moment so far this week... is really any time spent with Justin and Sophie together. :] I'm looking forward to... Justin's weekend off.
Weekly Wisdom... Family comes first. Always.
Milestones...Sophie is holding her head up so well! :D
Today I finally had my post-partum checkup. According to the doctor, everything looks good so I can go back to my normal activities. I can take a bath, exercise, and lift more than ten pounds. I'm mostly excited about the bath. :] It feels nice to know that I am getting back to normal. Now I just need to start exercising so I can start feeling like myself again. :/ Something that helped was getting some new clothes. Some jeans that fit, a few new tops, a sweater, a dress, and a new pair of every day flip flops make a difference. Nothing makes you feel crappier than when you're wearing maternity clothes and you're not pregnant. It's hard enough that I am not sleeping well, but it shows on my face. I just look tired all the time. I just have a hard time falling asleep even though I'm completely exhausted. Too many things to think about.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel selfish because this is supposed to be "The Sophie Chronicles", and yet I've hardly blogged about her. So here it goes.
She's finally at that age where she does more than sleep, eat, and poop. She's smiling and making sounds, "Gah", "Coo", and "Ahh". She holds her head up very well, and she's so alert! Her favorite thing to do is stare at lights or look outside. She loves the bouncy seat - it lights up and plays music. I haven't quite figured out why, but she talks the most when she's on the changing table and in the bouncy seat. I put her on the floor today, on her back for a while, and then on her tummy. I've been doing tummy time, but she usually gets fussy when I put her on the floor, so I've been lying on the couch and putting her on my chest. Today was different. She was totally calm for at least five minutes. She did this weird butt wiggle where she pushes with her legs and scoots her butt around. I thought she might have been trying to roll over, but if you imagine her lying down as a clock, she somehow managed to go from 12 o'clock to 9 o'clock. I'm not really surprised. At three and a half weeks she was using her feet and legs to push her butt off my chest when I was holding her. I think she's going to walk early - I started at eight months.
Today is day 4 of the rice cereal attempt. The first three days I've been trying to give it to her with a spoon - Mom insisted she did that with the three of us when we were that age, but she's just not ready for the spoon. A little in her bottle tonight went a long way. She was out by the time she finished, and I am just praying that she stays asleep past 12:30 tonight.
Some good news... I got a new job! I am going to be working full-time making a lot more money. The best part is that now we don't have to worry about being able to afford daycare. After looking at a few, Justin and I decided to go with Playtime Learning Academy. It's so structured and safe. They have an infant curriculum that has activities that stimulate their development and it is clean! The teachers are not only certified under the requirements by the state, but they have extra certifications and workshop hours as required by the daycare. The teachers are so nice and I feel like I can trust them. You need a passcode just to get into the daycare and there are video cameras everywhere. I'm more excited about going back to work now that I know that she will be in a safe learning environment. It doesn't mean I won't miss her like crazy and possibly want to cry because I can't see her all day every day, but it's a start!
I've been learning new things as a mom. I can swaddle a baby like no one's business. It's easiest for me at night to make the bottles ahead of time so that getting up for feedings in the middle of the night is a lot less effort. I know to sleep whenever possible because you don't really know when you'll get the opportunity to take a nap. I know that being a mom is a full-time job. I also know that so far, I've had to make a lot of sacrifices. I know that I'll have to make even more as Sophie gets older.
Sacrifice number one: my body. I know that I didn't have the greatest body to begin with, but that fact seems to be even more obvious now that my pregnancy is over. I have a lot of weight left to lose, my stomach is riddled with stretchmarks, my breasts look ridiculous, and now none of my clothes really fit right. I used to wear makeup everyday - now I wear it maybe twice a month. I even had to cut my long hair so Sophie wouldn't be able to pull it as easily, but now I can see that I didn't cut it short enough because her little fingers still find themselves tangled in my hair. My breasts belong to the baby. They leak constantly because I continue to pump, but can't seem to find enough time in the day or will to do so regularly. :/
The biggest sacrifice so far has been my sanity. I was definitely not mentally prepared for Sophie's arrival, and I still find myself questioning whether or not I'm fit to be a mother. Sometimes all of the crying and the lack of sleep really gets to me and all I want to do is cry. I have, actually. The other day that Sophie was up every hour or two to eat, I just lost it. The night before I had hardly gotten any sleep, and I hadn't found the time to take a nap. After she finally fell asleep, I just sat there and held her, crying. Maybe it's my hormones, but I don't know what else to do.
My clothes don't fit. Or they don't fit right. They're spit-up stained and stretched out. I don't feel like Mesja. I don't look like her. I think that's my biggest downfall lately. I don't feel myself. And maybe who I am is supposed to change, and that's why I'm having such a problem. But I don't feel beautiful, or attractive like I used to. And that's really hard for me. Maybe I'm being selfish.
My purse and the diaper bag have become one. I always wanted to have a really nice purse. But that's not likely. I don't see the point in lugging around two bags and a baby. It's just too much. Combining the two makes me feel like I'm losing my identity as Mesja and should be identified with Mommy.
I sacrificed something that was really important to me, and it was really difficult for me to let go. Going to school is such a big deal, and I just couldn't do it, knowing that finals were only a few weeks before my due date. I did enroll, and then dropped all my classes at the end of the week. It was so embarrassing walking around campus, being the only person who was pregnant. Everyone just stared at me, and one of my teachers even told me she didn't really know what I was doing going to school at that point. I don't know when I'll be able to go back. But I know that I won't be going back to USF, and I'm quite sure that my major will change at some point.
I had to go on maternity leave a month early - doctor's orders. And I'm on paid maternity leave, but it really bothered me for the first two weeks. I'm a need-to-be-busy kind of person. Now I am so tired that I don't really feel like doing anything for once. I just miss work. I know that sounds lame, but in the beginning, I had a shot at being promoted. Once I got pregnant, I became less able to do the things I was supposed to do as time went on. I obviously can't be promoted if I can't even do my current job without help. Hell, I couldn't even tie my own shoe. I can't tell you the number of times a co-worker of mine tied my shoe. Talk about humiliating from the person who hates to ask for help.
Up until the baby, I have probably thought about my dream wedding once a day since I was old enough to understand what a wedding was. It was always about something different, but little else excited me about growing up more than the prospect of getting married. I didn't want something extravagant with a designer dress and a huge guest list. I didn't need a reception in a huge ballroom at a hotel with an open bar, or two foot centerpieces, or ten bridesmaids. I wanted something simple and romantic, no more than a hundred guests... I wanted something that I could plan myself, something that I could do a lot of myself... I'm not going to get that. Justin and I recently sat down and talked about our wedding plans. We decided that we wanted to have a small intimate ceremony - just immediate family. We'll go out to dinner afterward, and then go on a honeymoon. I feel bad leaving Sophie, but we need this vacation, and I know she'll be in great hands with her grandparents watching her. When we come back, we'll have a barbecue to celebrate with everyone. It sounds very simple, but it's really what we want. We don't want to spend thousands of dollars just to make other people happy. I know some people may be offended or hurt, but a big wedding just isn't something we can afford, and it is OUR wedding. I want it to be a true reflection of who we are as a couple.
I have to retract my statement when I say that my sanity has been the biggest sacrifice. Having this baby has placed an incredible strain on my relationship with Justin. This will probably sound horrible, but we've never really had to work at it so much just to get things to work everyday. It's not a struggle, but it's definitely more difficult. It probably has a lot to do with the stress of a new baby and everything else I'm facing right now, but I feel myself more easily agitated with him. It's not fair and I feel horrible. I just want to curl up with him at the end of the day and tell him I love him; then he would brush my hair behind my ear and kiss my forehead and tell me that everything will be okay, and that he loves me. But that doesn't really happen either. With all the time that he spends at work (eight hour shifts with one hour for lunch and two hours of travel) and the time spent sleeping, there are just a few hours in the day left for anything else, and it's usually spent doing baby related things (washing bottles, feeding/changing the baby). The fact that he seems to get easily frustrated at night with her crying makes me upset, but then I realize that he's probably just as tired as I am with working and whatever else he ends up doing. He's getting more patient, and even gets up with her at night on days that he's off so I can sleep. It's just with how little I see him, I feel lonely. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I talk to the baby, but she doesn't talk back, and she sleeps a lot. I love Justin, and I'm sorry that things are difficult because I wish they weren't. I didn't think that things would be so hard, but I'm sure they'll get easier as time goes on.
With all that I've sacrificed so far, it's hard to feel like this is all worth it. It's hard - some days are really good, and easy, but some are so trying and difficult that at the end of the day, I just want to go back to life before it was the three of us. And I feel like I deserve something for all that I've done and given up so far. Something more than just a baby. Maybe I feel like I deserve more than the title "Mom". And for saying that, I feel both selfish and guilty. Sophie is so sweet. She's my beautiful, wonderful baby girl, and I love her more than anything. I am lucky just to be her mother. I just wish I realized that every time I felt that way.
WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? No. We planned to have her someday, she just came a little early.
WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? No, but we are planning our wedding now. :]
WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? I cried. Justin laughed. lol
WHO HAD THE BEST REACTION? Justin. He was thrilled. :]
WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? Never has been, never will be.
HOW OLD WERE YOU? It was only a week before my twenty-first birthday.
HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? I took a home pregnancy test, but I kind of just knew.
WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? Well... Justin. I showed him the test.
DID YOU TELL EVERYONE RIGHT AWAY, OR WAIT TO TELL THEM? We waited until we were about 17 weeks to tell everyone. I told my boss as soon as I found out, and gradually everyone at work found out, but it was a secret to everyone else.
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO FIGURE OUT THAT YOU WERE PREGNANT? I knew I was pregnant the moment I couldn't stop talking about cheese. lol I know that sounds corny, but it's true. I took a test the next day and it was positive. I was 3 weeks, 5 days pregnant.
DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? Yes, but I just KNEW she was a girl.
DUE DATE? Originally it was December 20th, but four and a half weeks before I gave birth, the doctor pushed my due date back to December 28th.
DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? Yes, but it wasn't that bad, and it only lasted for three weeks.
WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? So many random things! Watermelon, teriyaki chicken wings, iced lemon poundcake from Starbucks, sour Skittles and Coke slurpees, chili cheese french fries... two disgusting things I craved but never ate: chocolate pudding with jalapenos, and canned peaches with cheddar cheese. The last two months of my pregnancy I had an insatiable chocolate craving.
WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? Customers at work mostly. "Are you ready?" Yes, I'm ready. You've only asked me this every day for the past eight weeks. Shut up already.
WHAT WAS YOUR CHILD'S SEX? She's a girl! :]
DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? Well I always wanted to have a boy first, mostly because when I was growing up, I always wished I had an older brother. But after just knowing she was a girl, I think I might have been disappointed had she turned out to be a boy.
HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? A lot. lol Let's just leave it at that.
DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Yes. My mother, Justin's mother, stepmother and aunt all hosted. It was perfect. :]
WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? No, I knew.
WHAT WAS THE BEST PART ABOUT BEING PREGNANT? People were SO nice to me, and treated me well.
WHAT WAS THE WORST PART ABOUT BEING PREGNANT? The discomfort. Toward the end, my feet were so swollen and my back hurt so badly I had to start my maternity leave early.
DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Not really. Not unless you count the back pain.
WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? St. Joseph's Women's Hospital in Tampa, Florida
HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? If you count early labor, 39 hours. If you only count active labor, 9 hours.
WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? Justin.
WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? No one really, it was a c-section. But Justin was in the room.
WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? It was a c-section.
DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? Yes. I caved and had an epidural. The Pitocin was too much to handle. It took them three tries and twenty minutes to get the epidural in though...
WAS LABOR ANYTHING LIKE YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE? I definitely didn't expect to throw up profusely. lol
HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH AND MEASURE? 6lb 10oz, 19.75 in.
WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? December 31st, 2010 at 3:30pm
WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Sophia Elizabeth.
HOW OLD IS YOUR BABY TODAY? She is three weeks old!
HOW MUCH DOES YOUR BABY WEIGH NOW? According to our scale at home, she weighs 8 pounds 12 ounces!
WHAT IS THE BEST PART ABOUT BEING A MOMMY? Spending time with my little one, holding her while she stares at me. It makes me love her so much more. :]
WHAT COLOR HAIR DOES YOUR BABY HAVE? It's a light brown with a hint of red.
WHAT COLOR EYES DOES YOUR BABY HAVE? A dark blue-grey.
WHO DOES YOUR BABY LOOK LIKE: MOMMY OR DADDY? She looks like mommy. :D
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE A GOOD PARENT? I think so. I try to give her everything she wants and needs, and I try to be as patient as possible. And I love her with all that I am. :]
HOW SUPPORTIVE IS DADDY? He is very supportive! Sometimes he feeds her at night and lets me sleep! :D
In no particular order, here are ten things I've needed so far as a new mom that have made things easier.
10. Newborn AND Size 1 diapers From what my parents have told me, I used to poop so much at night that it would get all over my clothes, myself, and anything surrounding me. Sophie tends to get poop up the back of her outfits at night, so she needs two separate size diapers. Newborn for daytime, and Size 1 for nighttime. It helps keep my sanity when she isn't dirtying an outfit every few hours.
9. Large swaddling blankets The blankets my mother and sister made are amazing, to say in the least. They are probably 1 square yard a piece, and I have at least five or six of them, and each one of the blankets has four matching burp cloths. All of the other blankets I received are just big enough to swaddle her in, but not quite big enough to swaddle her tightly and keep her wrapped up throughout the night. The ones my mother made keep her nice and snug like a little burrito. :]
8. Extra pacifiers The only pacifier that Sophie likes is the one that they gave her in the hospital - the Soothie brand. We didn't discover this until we came home and tried to give her the pacifiers that we've had for months - she wouldn't take them. We had to go out and find extra Soothie pacifiers for her. We cannot leave the house without a pacifier, as we've learned. Now that we have three, one stays in the diaper bag, one stays in the bedroom, and one in the living room where we feed her.
7. A sense of humor and a lot of patience I say a sense of humor, because when you're changing a diaper at 2am and the baby pees on you in the midst of doing so, you can do one of two things: you can cry, or you can laugh. For your own sanity, it's best to laugh. It makes you feel better about the situation. Something I've learned recently is that self-soothing is probably a good method for Sophie. It may take her 20 minutes to fall asleep (four minutes of crying followed by several minutes of silence, and then repeated until she goes to sleep), but in the end, she sleeps longer and so do I. It helps to be really patient.
6. Netflix Instant Queue Even though you are busy as a new mom, you do have a little bit of free time. The best way to kill time, to help you stay awake, or just to entertain you is to watch some TV. I don't have cable, so Netflix is the next best thing. I can watch shows or movies, and there's a wide variety of things I can watch. It really helps keep me sane when I need something to take my mind off of how little sleep I've gotten or how much I really would like to take a shower.
5. Newborn outfits I don't know why I thought Sophie wouldn't fit into newborn outfits when she was born. Maybe it was looking at the newborn onesies; they are so very tiny that it's hard to imagine anything but a small doll being able to wear them. Two weeks later, she can still wear preemie clothes. Justin and I actually had to go out and buy more newborn size outfits for her because she was going through them so quickly.
4. Breast Pump After my milk came in, Sophie had a difficult time being able to latch on. Pumping allows me to still give her the breast milk that she needs, and at the same time, gives me more freedom. Daddy, Grandma/Grandpa, or someone else can feed her.
3. Medela Quick Steam Sterilizing Bags A friend told me about these bags. They are $5.99 for a box of 5 bags. Each bag is good for 20 uses. All you need is 2 ounces of water and 3 minutes in the microwave. I can fit three bottles and parts in the bag, or both breast shields from the pump and the bottles.
2. Someone to help out the first week home Both Justin and my mom spent the majority of the first week home with me. I really needed that more than I would admit. Not only is dealing with a new baby demanding, but I was recovering from surgery too. It's hard to take care of a newborn and yourself at the same time, plus do all of the things you normally do, like clean and cook. Having my mom and Justin, I didn't have to do everything. They did the cooking and cleaning, and watched the baby for me when I needed to sleep or take a shower. My sister came over the second week and helped out - she mostly kept me company, and that is more help than I could have asked for.
1. Love and Support Being a new mom is hard, but with love and support from Justin, my family, and friends, it gets easier.
I know it's a little late for New Year's Resolutions, but seeing as I've been a little preoccupied lately, this is the best that I could do. They're also not really resolutions, as I'm not resolving to do/not do anything differently. Calling something a resolution almost instantly kills a person's chance of succeeding, so I am calling them 'goals'.
1. Start a career - I've been looking into becoming a Paramedic. It's definitely quite different from other careers I've been looking at in the past, but it's something I've always been interested in. It's something I can train for in a relatively short period of time (as compared to finishing my degree), and in a shorter period of time, I can get certified as an EMT and start working while I'm still going to school. They get paid more than twice what I make now, and at least I know that there will be more stability as far as money and work schedules are concerned. I love my family and I need to be able to provide for them.
2. Move into a larger place - While buying a house would be ideal, that seems a bit too far away for now. That would require both Justin and I to be making a significantly larger amount of money. I'm not saying that it is impossible, but it's not likely. The best way to achieve your goals is to set realistic ones. A larger apartment would suffice, and hopefully Sophie would be able to have her own room, and it would more than help to have a washer and dryer in the apartment.
3. Marry Justin - One of the sacrifices I made for Sophie was having the wedding of my dreams. I know now that I will never have that - there are too many expenses and not enough money to do this. I would like a smaller, less elaborate wedding. I feel it would be equally meaningful. It may mean that fewer people will be invited. I can see already that this may be a problem with all of the family that Justin has, but people have to understand that weddings are expensive. I don't know when this wedding will take place.
4. Be a good mother to Sophie - I know this seems pretty common sense, but I want her to have the best of everything. I want her to be a healthy, happy child who has the most loving parents she could ever want. I brought her into this world and she deserves to have a great mother. I'm going to do whatever I can to make that happen. :]
People can tell you everything about their own experiences with their newborn children, but nothing quite prepares you. There are a lot of things I'm surprised about dealing with the postpartum period, kind of the same way I was surprised about a lot of things that happened to me during pregnancy. Then I had random nosebleeds, my feet swelled so much that I couldn't wear my own shoes the last month, I had more back pain than I imagined I ever would, and labor was not as easy as portrayed in my Lamaze class. Now that I've had Sophie, I realized pregnancy was the easy part. My back hurts twice as much as it did when I was pregnant, and I thought that pain would go away. I had a c-section that I wasn't really prepared for, so I never thought to ask what recovery would be like. I also didn't realize I would need to be off my feet as much as possible. And I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous, and perhaps I'm just a pessimist, but it wasn't really real in my mind that I was actually going to have a baby at the end of the pregnancy until I heard her cry for the first time. Another thing that surprises me - she sleeps a lot, and eats even more than I could have predicted. Speaking of eating, I assumed that breastfeeding would be easy, and now I am pumping only and supplementing with formula until my milk supply can catch up to the twenty-five ounces a day that Sophie is eating. Nothing has surprised me as much as the way my body is handling everything that is going on.
It's called the baby blues, I've read. It's not PPD (postpartum depression), it's just... hormones, from what I've read. Now that I'm no longer pregnant, my hormones are causing me to feel all sorts of crazy. One minute I'm the happiest person ever, the next I'm being so incredibly paranoid about everything to the point that I can't sleep. Sometimes I can't wait to hand her over to someone else so that I can shower or get some rest, and other points, I just want to hold her and not share her with anyone else. Sometimes I feel like I'm starving, and other times I couldn't be less interested in food. I think I just keep eating because I know I have to. Sometimes it's my confidence in myself as a mother that I lack, other times I lack the confidence in other people to be able to take care of her. I either feel the need to scrub the house from top to bottom when I am busy doing something else, or I feel completely apathetic about the way it looks when I actually have the time to do something about it. I've even found myself getting mad at Justin for being impatient or frustrated when the baby won't sleep. It's a reasonable way to feel, but I guess I got upset because I haven't said anything about how frustrated I can be.
The part that bothers me the most? Feeling this way is completely irrational to me. I shouldn't be paranoid. I haven't started crying yet, and I'm absolutely terrified of becoming depressed. I guess the good part is that the one constant thing that I am completely sure of 110 percent of the time is that I love Sophie. I know that deep down in my heart. Even when it's late at night and she's crying and I've done everything I can think of and I'm beyond exhausted, I still love her and all I want to do is make her feel better. I'm so very tired but it's worth it in the end.
Disclaimer: All quotations are not exact and some details may be a little off - when you're in labor or on some kind of anesthetic, it's hard to remember everything exactly the way it happened.
Wednesday, December 29th had arrived and I was sorely disappointed. One day past my due date and I was ready to pay a visit to everyone who told me I would "be early", and punch them in the jaw. "She'll come when she's ready," others said. Who knows when that is? I was more than ready - I'd been ready for over a month. The clothes were washed, folded and put away, the crib was made up, the bottles were sterilized and sitting in the cabinet, the car seat was installed, the diaper bag and hospital bags were packed, and her swing and bouncer sat in the den, all waiting for her. As I sat there that night, I started to feel really uncomfortable. I even decided to take a bath, just to help relax. It didn't seem to help. As I crawled into bed, I thought, Please please please. I just want to have this baby already.
The next morning a 5am when I woke up to use the bathroom, I felt a tightening pain in my uterus. I looked down and smiled. I sat on the couch and for over an hour I counted and timed my contractions. The time is finally here! I was excited but knew I had to stay calm. I called my doctor, who sent me to the hospital to be checked out. I woke up Justin. "I think it might be time," I announced, "to go to the hospital." Sleepily, he dressed and we grabbed a few last minute items before we headed out the door. On the way there, I hoped that it would be true labor, and I wouldn't be sent home.
After I was checked into triage, they placed two monitors across my belly - one to monitor the baby's heart beat, and the other to measure contractions. After about 20 minutes, the nurse came in. "I want to feel your belly when you're having a contraction. Let me know when the next one starts." A few minutes passed before I had another contraction, and she pressed down firmly on my belly. "You're having very mild contractions and you're only one centimeter dilated. I'll call your doctor, but at this point, I think it's early labor. He might want to augment it." I looked at Justin uneasily - I had really wanted to have a natural birth with no epidural, despite my doctor telling me only a few weeks before that my pelvis was too small and I would most likely need a c-section. Another half hour later, and I was discharged. "Come back when your contractions feel stronger and are more consistent," she said.
I was a little disappointed, but the only thing I was really feeling was nausea. A huge wave of it came over me and I felt worse than I did when I had morning sickness. I asked if there was anything I could have, and they gave me some ginger ale. On the way home, I asked Justin to pull over. I didn't throw up, but I really thought I was going to. When we got home, I was so uncomfortable and so tired, so I tried to get some rest on the couch. I emptied the bathroom garbage can and set it next to the couch, just in case I needed it. And boy did I need it. I slept for about 45 minutes before I woke up to throw up. Afterward, I felt a little better, so I decided to try to eat something light so I would have a little energy, maybe to do some walking. I had a small amount of applesauce and decided I was ready to try and walk this baby out. After walking around the apartment complex, I was tired again. I decided to try to nap again, only to wake up another hour later to throw up yet again. I figured if anything, I can at least keep down water, and staying hydrated is important for the baby. Guess again - I threw up yet again. Concerned, I called my mother. The contractions had gone from mild to moderate, and going from every four to five minutes to every three to four. She suggested I call my doctor at his office. He had me come in. "You're still only one centimeter dilated," he said. I told him about my trouble with keeping anything down. He sent me to the hospital to be monitored and have 1 liter of IV fluids.
As it turns out, I was so dehydrated that they gave me 4 liters of fluids. At the hospital, I threw up a fourth time, dry heaving because there really wasn't anything left in my stomach. I was miserable. I hadn't eaten, I hadn't slept, and even with my contractions, my labor wasn't really progressing. I let the nurse know that I was open to the idea of augmenting my labor, and she let the doctor know right away. "We're going to keep you tonight and start the Pitocin tomorrow morning." I felt so relieved - I was finally going to meet the little person I had been growing for almost 10 months. I was moved to Labor and Delivery, and was told to try and get some rest. Justin spread out in the recliner/pull out bed, and attempted to do the same. Sleeping was difficult - the baby kept moving away from the monitor, and I kept having to get up to use the bathroom, which is difficult when you're hooked up to an IV and monitors.
Shortly after 5am, they started the Pitocin. I finally fell asleep for an hour or so, and when I woke up, HELLO! Pitocin, or oxytocin, induces labor, but it also makes contractions longer, stronger, and more painful. They were tolerable for a little while. After they checked my dilation, which was at two, I was in pain. To help things keep moving along, the doctor came in and broke my water. The pain just got worse. My mother reminded me that it was okay to ask for pain relief. They gave me something through the IV. "This will make you sleepy," they told me. Within minutes, I was out. I was asleep for about forty-five minutes before I woke up again, writhing in pain. It's funny how everything you learn in your Lamaze class goes right out the window when labor actually hits. I didn't want to breathe slow deep breaths - I wanted to scream! Squeezing Justin's hand so hard I was sure I was breaking it, I attempted slow breathing. I was in so much pain I was in tears, and finally gave in. I'd tried as hard as I could not to ask for the epidural.
"You have strong back muscles," the doctor who was administering my epidural told me. She said this because she was having a difficult time finding exactly the right place. It took her three tries and a total of twenty minutes to actually get it to work. The pain relief wasn't instant - it took about fifteen minutes before I wasn't actually feeling anything, although the pain subsiding was instant. The nurse checked me,"You're at five centimeters now. You need to get some rest now, because you'll need the energy to push," said the nurse. I fell asleep yet again.
An hour and a half later, the nurse woke me to check my dilation. "You're at ten! We can start pushing soon." I was given oxygen to help the baby. I pushed for two and half, almost three hours. It didn't really seem like that long to me, but time wasn't important. For a while, I made progress. The nurse informed me she could see her hair, and I pushed so hard so I could see for myself. I had heartburn all throughout my pregnancy and I expected her to have a full head of hair. Even though I was giving good strong pushes, the baby wasn't progressing any further. There was swelling on the top of her head. When my doctor arrived, he order an ASAP c-section due to cephalo-pelvic disproportion. The problem? I have a prominent sub-pubic arch and the baby was sunny-side up. She just wouldn't fit. I was disappointed - I pushed for so long, I dealt with labor and I told the doctor not to schedule a c-section because I was so sure I could do this on my own. While they gave Justin some scrubs to put on over his clothes and a chance to grab his camera, I was taken to the OR to be prepped.
I was so numb that I didn't feel a thing. I was shivering violently, a result of the epidural, and running a fever of 101.4. They immediately started me on some antibiotics. I heard the doctor come in and heard some sounds. In all of the stories I'd ever read about c-sections, everyone talks about feeling some pressure as the doctor is opening you up and removing the baby. I honestly had no idea they'd even started until I heard Justin say, "She's getting the blankets ready, honey." And then I heard the most beautiful sound. She cried. Thinking about it now makes me tear up, but I was definitely crying then. I was feeling so happy and so relieved. "The time?" asked the doctor. "Three thirty," answered someone in the room. I really didn't care about myself as much as I was worried about her. "He's beautiful," said the nurse who'd been taking care of me. "Wait what?!" I asked. "She IS a girl, RIGHT?" I felt confused. "Yes," she checked, "she's a girl. I'm sorry! Just checking to make sure you're alright."
That was it. Sophie was finally here. "Six pounds ten ounces," announced the nurse taking care of Sophie. "Are you ready to hold her?" "Yes," I said, and they handed her to me. I didn't know what to say. I looked at her and I was in love. When babies are born, it's not like in the movies. They aren't pink and pretty and perfect. Sophie was still covered in vernix, there was still blood on her, and she looked a little unhappy. Her hands were blue, and dry and wrinkled, and she was so much smaller than I expected. Nevertheless, she was perfect. After a few pictures, Justin went with a nurse to take Sophie to the nursery to be checked out, bathed and to let everyone know that she was born.
Everything afterward is kind of a blur. Other than a few minor complications with the c-section, everything turned out to be okay. Recovery has been slightly difficult. The first day was the hardest, but everyday gets easier. I wasn't prepared for a c-section because I didn't think I would need one. Even though I thought my doctor was being a jerk, he was actually right. For someone who has been delivering babies since 1975, I guess I should have trusted his opinion. Being a mom is the easier part of my time. It seems to come naturally. I don't always know what to do, or always do things right the first time, but loving my Sophie is the easiest thing I've ever done. The hard part is doing everything you used to do, and there are a lot of things I'm not allowed to do. I can't drive for two weeks, and I'm not supposed to leave the house unless I have to for four weeks. I'm supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible, and that's the part that kills me. I'm so used to being busy - cleaning, cooking, doing random little things. And it's driving me insane that I can't. On the other hand, I'm so tired, I can barely keep up with everything else. Right now is the first free time I've had, and I'm sacrificing a nap to get this all down before the memories become too fuzzy to recall properly.
Being a mother is weird in a way that you have no idea what you're getting yourself into until you're there. You might think you have some idea of what it will be like, but unless you've done this before, you wouldn't have a clue. And I'm sure that when the time comes for Sophie to have a brother or sister, I will be surprised all over again about how things will be. The thing I underestimated the most was the love I would feel for her. She is my precious angel and I love her more than I could really say. Don't get me wrong... I love my family, and I really love Justin. I love him so much. But the way I love Sophie... well that's different, but it's just as strong. I am trying to enjoy her the best that I can while she's young. I look forward to all the things I can teach her and do with her as she gets older. For now, all I can say is that being a mother to Sophie is going to be one of the greatest adventures of my life.
